It's a love/hate kinda job

Motherhood, that is. I've decided to list out something I hate and then something I love about it. Let's see if it balances out, shall we?

HATE 1 I hate it that if no one else can/will do it, it falls back to me. If everyones too beat, too tired or too sick, its left to mom to suck it up and deal with it.

LOVE 1 I love that I am the one raising my kids and that I feel like whatever turns out, at least I was here for them when they were small. I think its so important

HATE 2 I hate always being interrupted all day and hardly getting a moments peace.

LOVE 2 I love the fact that I get paid in hugs and kisses and love and cuddles. Its the best currency ever.

HATE 3 I hate dirty diapers. Changing diapers and wiping noses and all that bodily fluid stuff. Oh, don't forget the partly chewed food spat into your hand.

LOVE 3 I love that I'm the first person they turn too all the time. That i'm their "favorite" if you will.

HATE 4 Ok, sometimes I hate being the first person they turn too, especially when I'm just trying to relax.

LOVE 4 I love not missing a moment of all the milestones they hit and all the accomplishments they achieve. I'm there for almost every one.

HATE 5 I hate it that I never get a sick day. Yeah, I get time when they are in school...but when I'm sick, I can never BE sick.

LOVE 5 I love that I'm the first person they see in the morning and the last they see at night. I love that I get them on and off the bus (and relish the school time break) and they just grin when they see me.

Ok, so its tied, for now. I do love my kids, I just sometimes wish that Mommy's got vacations from their jobs like the rest of the world!

Suddenly

Its the best word I can come up with to describe my life currently. Suddenly things happen, never gradual (at least not that I notice) and usually good or bad, yet unexpected. Like last night. The Master is packing for yet another trip out of town for the week and I go into the computer room to check my email. I sit in my chair and turn on my computer, leaning a little to the right to grab my pen and SUDDENLY *crack* I'm on the floor. The chair, that was getting a bit sad, has finally given up the ghost. Hopefully grandma DramaQueen and Grandpa Chef are coming today so I can purchase a new one.

SUDDENLY , I'm alone for the week and the only help I have is DramaQueen. SUDDENLY , The boys have started flying on the PECS system (its a great way to get chocolate and Doritos. I have to call CITE ladies today and find out if removing cards from the binder is a bad thing). SUDDENLY we are the only ones in the Fun with Food class. SUDDENLY we have a possible Nanny who may start Friday (every Friday 8 hours and one week night every other week for the summer). She will yet be named for I am not calling her tinsel mouth, despite the braces. If you can't find babysitters, pay them I guess. SUDDENLY Chancy (who I need to rename as well) and I are playing an online game together, 2 in fact since she plays WoW! SUDDENLY Other people seem to be falling from my life without much word. I'm sad, but accepting that. SUDDENLY Other people are popping back up to say they, at least, are still there. SUDDENLY my children love the backyard.

Little happenings. Maybe its because I'm depressed so I don't notice the lead up, but SUDDENLY seems to have a permanent spot in my life at the moment.

Current Mood: Don't ask
Current Song: SUDDENLY I see by Kate Tunstel

Depression

I have come to the unhappy realization that I am...depressed. I can't deny it anymore. I can't say "this is just one day I'm down" because it's every day. As soon as our insurance is switched, I will go see a doctor, but until then, every day seems a struggle. Every day, just to get out of bed, is work. To shower, to move and help my children when they ask for it...an almost overwhelming task. A normally "glass is half full" girl, finds her glass empty and I am at a loss.

Putting on a "happy" face for friends takes more energy than I can seem to find...so I'm putting it out there. If I'm down, sad, seem "off"....no, its not you. No, nothing is wrong with our friendship, everything, instead, is "off" in my life. Don't take it personal and no, nothing you can say can "cheer me up" so don't bother. I'm sure some random doctor I eventually find can help me. Anyone know any good ones? *sad laugh*